Feeling Unsupported in Your Goals? Here’s a Rant and a Solution.

I came in here to talk about my robe.

“In here” being my bedroom where I desperately try to avoid my family every now and then. I feel guilty sometimes, but I still do it. We’ll get to why in a sec.  What about my robe? Well, you’ll just have to wait for it. Because I’m going to jump ship on that real quick and talk about what’s really bugging me.

I would like to preface this with the fact that I love my man. Anyone who knows me knows I looove that man of mine… but sometimes men are clueless and sometimes it’s hard being a wife with goals.

Realness up ahead.

Yesterday, hubs and I got into it about my work. Not my 9-to-5 work, but Zen Femme. He came into the bedroom where my daughter and I were about to watch a movie. I was on my phone wrapping up a post and he proceeded to not so nicely tell me it “looked bad” that I was on the phone when my daughter wanted to spend time with me.

Now, if I were to leave it there, I’d get how you’d think that was totally reasonable. However, he didn’t know what the hell he was talking about and because I’d already been holding back some – let’s call them “thoughts” – on what I perceived to be lack of support on his end, I sent our child to her room so we could discuss.

I shared with him that I’d already explained to J that I was finishing up a post, after which I would put my phone away and watch the movie with her. I’d already seen the first 30 minutes or so anyway because she’d fallen asleep the night before on the same movie. She was fine. I was fine… until he burst into the room with his judgments. Judgments that I didn’t really understand because he’s literally always on his phone.

He’s an entrepreneur in music and his cell is like his lifeline. I get it, and he never has to ask my permission or provide me with an explanation for why he’s so caught up in his phone. He also doesn’t typically take on the role of mommy AKA default parent AKA super woman in constantly struggling to achieve the wonderful enigma of balance.

Dad can spend all day and night at the office with no interruption or push-back. Dad can freely get up and go take care of his business most days. He doesn’t check in with anyone before going to get a haircut.

Mom, however, must work her business in somewhere between meals, homework, laundry, after-school activities, bedtime, oh – and quality time so our kid isn’t neglected and feels comfortable, for example, coming to talk to me about something stupid Jimmy said on the playground that we can then unpack and hopefully keep from tarnishing the self-confidence I feel all girls need to be raised up with.

My point is that I think about – and work hard to maintain low stress levels about – a lot. I do a lot, which women – especially those of us with significant others, kids, or family members who depend on us – tend to do. The fact that I couldn’t get the benefit of doubt irked me. The blatant hypocrisy, perceived lack of genuine respect for what I’m building and the fact that we keep going over the same crap irks me.

It’s exhausting and disheartening.

Unfortunately, many of us struggle with this dynamic in our relationships as our roles in society continue to evolve while expectations and stale precedent aren’t as speedy. Because we do so much and tend to keep a lot on our plates (and minds), it’s especially important for us ladies to keep our energy positive and UP!

Here’s what you do when you aren’t feeling very supported. Ready? You adjust your expectations of others, then support your damn self. At the end of the day, this is your thing, at least for now. It can’t become anyone else’s thing until you’re confident enough in it and in your beautiful self to make it count. Start supporting yourself by doing these two things:

  1. Create a schedule. Stick to it as if IT, the ugly clown himself, is coming to get your kids (or your dog, whatever works) if you fall off. In that light, make sure it’s do-able. For example, when I get home from work and my daughter’s done with homework, I’ll spend those precious couple of hours with her (and my jerk husband if he’s home) no matter what. I’ll work from her bedtime to mine, and will be kind to myself in setting that time, knowing that I need rest to do my best. Proven fact here, people.
  2. SHOW UP COMPLETELY. If you’re going to do it, give it your all. Any time that you set aside to write, work out, or design that thing should be charged to the max with your love, attention, and effort. Don’t spend that time feeling guilty about what you’re not doing, arguing with someone about what you are doing, procrastinating or doubting yourself. Adopt a “sorry, not sorry” attitude. What you’re doing is a if you’re going to become the woman you’re meant to be for yourself AND your family. If think you’ll wind up doing any of these, address that issue first head on. You may even do a filler activity to relieve some pressure. Play with your dog, watch that episode of your favorite show you missed last night, have a glass of wine, paint your toenails – something that will give you enjoyment for a period, but won’t require the productive capacity as the thing you need to do. It’ll give you time to get in the game mentally instead of purely wasting time.

Remember, you’re doing a great job and are positively affecting lives of others every day. Be good to you!

xo, B